Max Payne 3 Reviewed by Max Payne

Hello dear readers. While I was away in hospital you may have noticed a lack of content on the site. While I apologize for this I decided to hunt down gamings anti-hero Max Payne to help me write a review of Max Payne 3. I found him in a rundown bar in New Jersey, this is what he had to say...

I had been sitting at the bar for 5 minutes, or 5 years depending on how you look at it, thinking about game sequels. Some are done well, some leave a bullet sized hole where the gameplay should be. Rockstar decided I should return. They wanted a good game so in return they got one. Say what you want about Rockstar but they understand capitalism, you pay for a quality title and you damn well get one. So a guy called Sarge approaches me, saying he wants me to review my own game. I decided that if I was going to do this review, I was going to do it sober...

This was it. Up until now was an exclamation mark on what I had done. A lifetime ago this would have been a cash in sequel, I had been living in the past so much I didn't even know what year it was anymore. It was time for me to come back. Come back to this existence. Come back to the chaos of my life...

My story is interesting to say the least. I'm no longer the young detective who was leaping around Hells Kitchen dealing death to the scum who would market Valkyrie. That was then, this is now. Before I moved to San Paulo you could find me in the depths of a bottle of whiskey, drowning out the loss of loved ones taken away to soon.

Passos, who once worked the beat with me comes in and offers me a job, a change of pace. I wasn't interested until like most things I do, I ended up complicating situations and had to leave. I was promised a new life, a fresh start protecting the rich family called the Brancos. Then all hell broke loose...

The city of San Paulo is a lively one. High rises of the rich look down on the poor in the favelas both metaphorically and literally. Me? I'm showing my age now. Boozing it up has made me age and I look like hell. Personally I blame the goddamn detailed high resolution graphics engine. The areas where I travel in search of the missing Brancos are full of detail. Newspapers blow through the streets carrying stories on the wind. The favelas are dirty and full of rubbish that my bullets tear through, smashing bottles in a ballet of destruction. Gamers want to see a gringo causing trouble the only way I know how, I may as well look goddamn good doing it.

I can hear the gunfights like an orchestra of mayhem, bullets ricochet all around me as I dive and dodge incoming lead death. The people in my story are well spoken and likeable (except the ones I'm shooting) and their voice acting is done well enough that I want to shoot the annoying happy guy.

The cop in me wanted to see more out of the multiplayer, but the deadbeat in me didn't give a shit. It's more of the same, feels like when you get extra cinnamon on a glazed doughnut, it's kinda enjoyable but it isn't very necessary.

All in all I feel my return to the stage is like a street vendors hotdog (with cheese,) it's dark, gritty, and will take you on a journey of ups and downs, then somehow when it's finished, you can't help but want more.

-Max Payne

So What's it like?
Like the day after a loved ones funeral... And the goddamn Matrix.
I give it 8/10