Nerd Vs Wild - The Shortcut

1.      The Shortcut.

One thing I learned when leaving Coopernook is NEVER EVER take a shortcut… Even when the road is called Shortcut Rd, chances are nothing good will ever come from taking a shortcut. So as we are leaving Coopernook I type in St Ives on my GPS, “Sally” as we refer to our GPS, asked me if I wanted to take the fastest, easiest or most economical way. I selected “Easiest” as I’m still getting used to towing the Chernobyl van and Sally plotted the course. “Take Boundry Rd” the soulless, sadistic robotic voice instructed, and since up until this point, Sally had never steered me wrong I obliged. “Take Shortcut Rd” Instructed sally once more and Courtenay and I joked about a road being called “Shortcut Rd” little did we know that Sally and her artificial intelligence was plotting something more sinister.

So off we go driving down Shortcut Rd, an unsealed, yet firm gravel road. After about 10 minutes the road started to narrow to the point where the van and car were brushing up against branches of the trees, the road went from gravel to plain dirt, then from dirt to “monster truck only” type terrain. We crawled down a very steep hill and at the bottom turned a corner where the road went from “monster truck” to “grass as high as the driver’s side window.” I could still see the tyre tracks and proceeded to drive ahead at a snail’s pace, as mentioned before, there was nowhere to turn around and I didn’t like Chernobyl vans chances of surviving me reversing for about 20km in dense bush. By now Sally was probably smiling an artificial smile or however computers smile (Which I would assume looks something like this :-)) as we ventured further into Jurassic Park. 

Then my heart sank at the sight of water over what some would call a road, blocked our shortcut. Court looked nervously at me but I knew I had committed to the shortcut and being me I would make this shortcut happen. I locked the car into 4WD mode, knuckles white on the steering wheel, heart pounding. This water was in the way of destiny. Perhaps Sally was asking herself “Is he going to do it?”
“You can do this Josh.” I say to myself. “You fixed a sink, then destroyed it, then fixed it again!” my mind ticked over. This was my moment… I was going for it. I gently revved the engine which was my way of saying “This is my way nature, get out of it!” The car lurched forward parting the creek with the tread of its tires. “I’m doing it! I’m going to make it!” My mind yelled in relief “I am all that is… Oh shit we are going backwards!” That’s when Chernobyl van decided to get bogged and anchor the 4WD in a puddle of mud. Tires spinning furiously flicking mud and dirt onto the Chernobyl van could not pull it out. I released the accelerator and put the handbrake on. “Honey?” I say to Court, “We are bogged…” Court looked at me with concern. Sally sat on the windshield lifelessly…. “So Sally, this is how you want it?” I say mockingly to the GPS “Led into a creek to get bogged in the middle of nowhere. Cold Sally, very cold.”

By this point I was pretty nervous. I decided to give it one more try. I started “snaking” the 4WD by steering left then right only pressing the accelerator lightly. Finally the 4WD found some footing and jolted forward, pulling Chernobyl van out of the water. We could then see the main road again which turns out to be the same road Sally told us to turn off. We stopped at the end of Shortcut road to inspect the damage and to my relief, Chernobyl van looked as crappy as always, only covered in mud. I looked to Court overcome by the moment “I love you honey.” She hugged me and we both knew everything was going to be fine. Ruby woke up wondering what the fuss was about. We hopped back into the car to begin our final leg to Sydney, “Perform a U-turn where possible.” Well played Sally, Well played.

Council guy 1 – “Should we finish this road?”
Council guy 2 – “Bugger that, smoko time!”

Turns out Sally’s reign of terror wasn't over as we headed back to the highway. “Proceed straight over Old Bridge Rd.” She instructed followed by “After the bridge, turn left.” I stayed true on my course to come to a river and what looked like half a bridge… From this moment on, Sally was muted.

Sally – “Trust me guys, this way is quicker.”